Do you ever have those days when you think you have it together?
Like you've planned out your outfit and exactly what you're going to do?
And then you realise that you don't have any clothes cause despite having put clothes in the washing machine you haven't actually turned it on in weeks?
And you think to yourself, why the fuck is it so difficult for you to complete a simple task?
You think...I can do this.
It's easy.
You go back to the machine, cause at this point you've walked away.
You approach it.
*SIGH*
It's okay.
It's a simple task.
You take a quick glance at the basket.
It's piled high with clothes.
Not literally.
It should be though...
With the amount on the chair in your room.
You're practically drowning in dirty clothes.
You only need to wash them and sort them.
It's a simple task.
Just wash them and sort them.
Sort them into separate piles.
Keep and pass on.
It's not that hard.
Just get it done.
It's a simple task.
******
I dunno if this is a poem or what but I wrote it the other day when I was feeling especially stressed out. Since then, I've done some of my washing.....mostly pants-but it still feels like I've got a mountain to conquer. And conquer, I will. Hopefully.
I hope y'all are having a wonderful worry-free Tuesday! 😊
Tuesday, 11 December 2018
Tuesday, 4 December 2018
Ocean Youth Trust Adventure
A couple of months ago, on the week beginning the 24th of September, I started a week-long voyage with Ocean Youth Trust Scotland, as part of a trip with LGBT Youth Scotland.
Initially, going into it, I didn't really have any expectations.
On signing up, to go, I hadn't really thought about it as anything other than an escape from the particular strain of shit life was throwing at me at the time. I didn't even know when it was. The minute I heard "boat trip to the middle of nowhere with possible confidence building exercises"~this is not a direct quote, this is just my translation~I was on board......haha.
I had some hopes for the week but nothing I'd really call an expectation.
One hope that I had, was that I'd be able to manage the whole week without smoking any weed. And I did in a sense, I smoked before I left and when I got back but I managed sobriety for the majority of the week~the ban on drugs and alcohol helped greatly. And I enjoyed it.
For a really long time, I've been using weed to block out/cope with trauma and it got to the point where I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without smoking up. It was the only thing keeping me going, the only thing keeping me from drowning amidst the tidal waves of continues shit. My lifeline as it were but also my downfall, as most people will find, too much of something no matter how much it helps, is not good. I was starting to see that the amount I was smoking was holding me back and I seriously needed to reevaluate my life choices. I needed to go away for a while, without access to my stuff and have a really good think about everything.
When the voyage came up, it was the perfect opportunity.
On the first day, the 24th, I had to arrive at Central station at 12:15 to get the train to Greenock where the boat was docked. I think I was running off schedule and getting into a bit of a tizzy but made it with a good 5 minutes to spare. The journey was slightly awkward for me, I felt like everyone else quickly relaxed into the banter and I was just sitting in anxious silence as per usual. When we arrived, we walked down to the docks where we met the Alba Explorer and her crew for the first time. The Alba Explorer is a beautiful big racing yacht built for upwind sailing races around the world, a truly epic boat if ever you saw one.
Once aboard, we were straight down to business, jumping into the icebreakers.
I don't remember much from the rest of the first day, apart from crying myself to sleep and ~this is a direct quote from my logbook~" considering learning how to sail properly, buying a boat and fleeing society".Clearly, despite having successfully pulled off my mission of escaping, my mind was still stuck on it. We also learned how to work the winches but I don't think I actually took any of the information in...I definitely didn't....this became very apparent the following day.
~We were read a bedtime story that night, by one of the crew, Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was really nice but really set the tears in motion because it reminded me of getting bedtime stories when I was wee and of how much I missed those times.~
The next day, day 2, started off fairly shit with me realising that the period from hell had hit. Literally. It was an absolute bloodbath. It was like all the periods that I've ever missed all decided it was time to show face and fuck me over. BOOM BITCH! TIME FOR YOUR RECKONING!
I'm also pretty sure that I gave myself multiple concussions due to the low ceilings and very hard trap door/window thing that we had to slide open to get out on deck, that I kept forgetting was there.
To top everything off, after building myself up with Ibuprofen, CBD oil, and herbal tea and thinking I'd be okay, the minute I stood on deck the whitey hit. Like a fucking train. I felt like I was about to die. It was a very windy day, in the middle of the sea, on a boat that purposely sails into the wind...like a giant windsurfer. This boat was choppy as fuck, to say the least. Everyone kept telling me to "look at the horizon and you'll feel better" but no, did I fuck.
Because of my sickness and general feeling of all-out death, I decided to take some time out and go for a nap. Which helped greatly. It was like magic how much it helped.
Praise Hallelujah for naps! Am I right or am I right?
Later, feeling slightly rejuvenated, me and my group were on boardwatch; practicing knots, working the winches, steering the boat and making sure that the boat doesn't crash. For a bit, I sat and practiced tying different knots-half-knots and bowline-pretty boring stuff in my opinion. Then I got to steer the boat, which I absolutely loved despite my fears that I would accidentally crash the boat and kill everyone on board, as well as destroying a masterpiece of the seas.
By the 3rd day, I was starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my environment and around everyone on board. I still felt quite uncomfortable around some of the men in the crew but this was kind of expected and unavoidable, I just had to ignore my fears and try not to freak out.
On this morning, after breakfast, we were hit with the concept of 'Happy Hour'...which isn't what you think it is. In fact, it's the complete opposite......it's cleaning. My first job as part of 'Happy Hour'-said, dripping with sarcasm-was to clean what was known as the 'heads', in other words, the toilet. It was shite....pun not intended. I don't mind cleaning my own toilet, when I have the motivation, but cleaning a toilet that about 15 other people have used.....no thanks. I did it anyways because despite my hatred of the task, its always better to just get it done rather than to give up.
After 'Happy Hour', me and the rest of the people from LGBT were allowed to go into Tarbert, where we docked, for an hour to have a wee wander around or a cup of tea. There were 5 of us, 'young people', so we decided to walk down together and check out what the wee town had to offer. It was a quaint wee town with a cute wee line of cafes and local shops, a bank and a co-op and castle ruins that you could walk up to. After picking up a few things from the co-op, we decided to have some tea in a lovely wee cafe we found. During this time we started to talk a bit more and add each other on social media, a norm among 'young people'. Since we had our phones taken away from us at the beginning of the journey so that we would all be present, we spent some of the time checking our various social media platforms. On leaving the cafe, me and my friend decided to pick up some travel sickness tablets because fuck feeling that sickness again. Of course, as usual, I was late back to the boat...only by a few minutes but late all the same.
I hate being late...despite my tendency to usually be so.
Once we were all on the boat, after meeting two of the youth workers halfway down the boardwalk and taking a few photos~which I might upload at some point.....once I figure out how to download my photos without getting duplicates lol. The 3rd day was a pretty good day, as now armed with my seasickness tablets, I was feeling a lot better. Again, I don't remember much of it~due to the passage of time~but of what I do...I remember that we were sailing to Rothesay and that it was a nice, if not slightly temperamental day. ~A paradox I know but that kinda shit happens at sea~ I remember working the winches and building my confidence with them and I can honestly say that if someone put one in front of me right now, it'd be really weird but I'd be able to do it no bother with only slight prompting.
That night we anchored in Rothesay Bay, about 2 or 3 full sized football pitches away from land~a terrible way to measure distance but fuck it~with a beautiful view of the island-I think I might have pictures of this too. Before going to bed we were told that we'd all be doing anchor watch shifts of 2 hours or so in pairs but luckily mine wasn't until 6am. I had to get up at 6am...fair to say I wasn't really looking forward to that aspect...
After finally getting to sleep at about 4am, getting up 2 hours later was brutal. On waking, I felt like I'd only just gotten warm and that I'd only been asleep for about 10 minutes. One of those nights. ~Ahhhhhhhhh! *Sigh*~
Once I'd pulled myself free from the, only just, pleasant confines of my sleeping bag, I was straight onto anchor watch duty...which I surprised myself by really enjoying. Anchor watch happens when the boat is anchored rather than docked and one or two of the crew have to keep an eye on and take note of the wind speeds, water depth and the degree of the offset; the angle of which the vessel is sitting at. This was a fairly simple task as we only had to check the monitors every 5 minutes-within an hour-and take note, making sure that nothing was going into critical levels and staying there.
During this, we were given the task of creating a story. Everyone who was on watch had the opportunity to contribute by adding a few lines or pages in, which was certainly the case for me, whenever they were on. As you can imagine, the end result was interesting. It started off as a pretty average funny story related to sailing and the like, slightly confusing but nothing too weird and then I decided to dump my imagination on it....putting it onto a slightly weird but fun twist. I feel like I'm kinda tooting my own horn here but I was quite proud of my contribution. I thought we all did a really good job, if I can find it (and ask everyone's permission) I think I'll post it here.
After sharing our work with the rest of the crew over breakfast, which me and my partner made, we got stuck straight into setting sail to Greenock, where the voyage would conclude. The rest of the journey was pretty much the same as the previous days; I spent time practicing and mastering the knots~which I can't actually remember but that's probably for the best~working the winches and steering the boat. I also spent time getting to know people too but due to my having an anxious pea brain, I can't really remember this either.
All in all, I would highly recommend going on a voyage or volunteering with Ocean Youth Scotland...no matter where you're at, it's a really fun and educationally enriching experience.
I found that it helped me greatly in terms of my mental health and my general outlook on life. I also love the sea; I like looking to see if I can see any mermaids beneath the turquoise tides.
I hope y'all enjoyed reading about my experience :)
I'm so thankful that I've finally gotten it done after so much worry about it not being good enough...now all I need to do it edit out the not so family friendly stuff and get it sent off to the right peeps...shouldn't be too hard~wish me luck anyways though? Cause there's always the chance that I could fuck it up.
I hope y'all are having a fabulous night, morning, day and evening! :)
Initially, going into it, I didn't really have any expectations.
On signing up, to go, I hadn't really thought about it as anything other than an escape from the particular strain of shit life was throwing at me at the time. I didn't even know when it was. The minute I heard "boat trip to the middle of nowhere with possible confidence building exercises"~this is not a direct quote, this is just my translation~I was on board......haha.
I had some hopes for the week but nothing I'd really call an expectation.
One hope that I had, was that I'd be able to manage the whole week without smoking any weed. And I did in a sense, I smoked before I left and when I got back but I managed sobriety for the majority of the week~the ban on drugs and alcohol helped greatly. And I enjoyed it.
For a really long time, I've been using weed to block out/cope with trauma and it got to the point where I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without smoking up. It was the only thing keeping me going, the only thing keeping me from drowning amidst the tidal waves of continues shit. My lifeline as it were but also my downfall, as most people will find, too much of something no matter how much it helps, is not good. I was starting to see that the amount I was smoking was holding me back and I seriously needed to reevaluate my life choices. I needed to go away for a while, without access to my stuff and have a really good think about everything.
When the voyage came up, it was the perfect opportunity.
On the first day, the 24th, I had to arrive at Central station at 12:15 to get the train to Greenock where the boat was docked. I think I was running off schedule and getting into a bit of a tizzy but made it with a good 5 minutes to spare. The journey was slightly awkward for me, I felt like everyone else quickly relaxed into the banter and I was just sitting in anxious silence as per usual. When we arrived, we walked down to the docks where we met the Alba Explorer and her crew for the first time. The Alba Explorer is a beautiful big racing yacht built for upwind sailing races around the world, a truly epic boat if ever you saw one.
Once aboard, we were straight down to business, jumping into the icebreakers.
I don't remember much from the rest of the first day, apart from crying myself to sleep and ~this is a direct quote from my logbook~" considering learning how to sail properly, buying a boat and fleeing society".Clearly, despite having successfully pulled off my mission of escaping, my mind was still stuck on it. We also learned how to work the winches but I don't think I actually took any of the information in...I definitely didn't....this became very apparent the following day.
~We were read a bedtime story that night, by one of the crew, Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was really nice but really set the tears in motion because it reminded me of getting bedtime stories when I was wee and of how much I missed those times.~
The next day, day 2, started off fairly shit with me realising that the period from hell had hit. Literally. It was an absolute bloodbath. It was like all the periods that I've ever missed all decided it was time to show face and fuck me over. BOOM BITCH! TIME FOR YOUR RECKONING!
I'm also pretty sure that I gave myself multiple concussions due to the low ceilings and very hard trap door/window thing that we had to slide open to get out on deck, that I kept forgetting was there.
To top everything off, after building myself up with Ibuprofen, CBD oil, and herbal tea and thinking I'd be okay, the minute I stood on deck the whitey hit. Like a fucking train. I felt like I was about to die. It was a very windy day, in the middle of the sea, on a boat that purposely sails into the wind...like a giant windsurfer. This boat was choppy as fuck, to say the least. Everyone kept telling me to "look at the horizon and you'll feel better" but no, did I fuck.
Because of my sickness and general feeling of all-out death, I decided to take some time out and go for a nap. Which helped greatly. It was like magic how much it helped.
Praise Hallelujah for naps! Am I right or am I right?
Later, feeling slightly rejuvenated, me and my group were on boardwatch; practicing knots, working the winches, steering the boat and making sure that the boat doesn't crash. For a bit, I sat and practiced tying different knots-half-knots and bowline-pretty boring stuff in my opinion. Then I got to steer the boat, which I absolutely loved despite my fears that I would accidentally crash the boat and kill everyone on board, as well as destroying a masterpiece of the seas.
By the 3rd day, I was starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my environment and around everyone on board. I still felt quite uncomfortable around some of the men in the crew but this was kind of expected and unavoidable, I just had to ignore my fears and try not to freak out.
On this morning, after breakfast, we were hit with the concept of 'Happy Hour'...which isn't what you think it is. In fact, it's the complete opposite......it's cleaning. My first job as part of 'Happy Hour'-said, dripping with sarcasm-was to clean what was known as the 'heads', in other words, the toilet. It was shite....pun not intended. I don't mind cleaning my own toilet, when I have the motivation, but cleaning a toilet that about 15 other people have used.....no thanks. I did it anyways because despite my hatred of the task, its always better to just get it done rather than to give up.
After 'Happy Hour', me and the rest of the people from LGBT were allowed to go into Tarbert, where we docked, for an hour to have a wee wander around or a cup of tea. There were 5 of us, 'young people', so we decided to walk down together and check out what the wee town had to offer. It was a quaint wee town with a cute wee line of cafes and local shops, a bank and a co-op and castle ruins that you could walk up to. After picking up a few things from the co-op, we decided to have some tea in a lovely wee cafe we found. During this time we started to talk a bit more and add each other on social media, a norm among 'young people'. Since we had our phones taken away from us at the beginning of the journey so that we would all be present, we spent some of the time checking our various social media platforms. On leaving the cafe, me and my friend decided to pick up some travel sickness tablets because fuck feeling that sickness again. Of course, as usual, I was late back to the boat...only by a few minutes but late all the same.
I hate being late...despite my tendency to usually be so.
Once we were all on the boat, after meeting two of the youth workers halfway down the boardwalk and taking a few photos~which I might upload at some point.....once I figure out how to download my photos without getting duplicates lol. The 3rd day was a pretty good day, as now armed with my seasickness tablets, I was feeling a lot better. Again, I don't remember much of it~due to the passage of time~but of what I do...I remember that we were sailing to Rothesay and that it was a nice, if not slightly temperamental day. ~A paradox I know but that kinda shit happens at sea~ I remember working the winches and building my confidence with them and I can honestly say that if someone put one in front of me right now, it'd be really weird but I'd be able to do it no bother with only slight prompting.
That night we anchored in Rothesay Bay, about 2 or 3 full sized football pitches away from land~a terrible way to measure distance but fuck it~with a beautiful view of the island-I think I might have pictures of this too. Before going to bed we were told that we'd all be doing anchor watch shifts of 2 hours or so in pairs but luckily mine wasn't until 6am. I had to get up at 6am...fair to say I wasn't really looking forward to that aspect...
After finally getting to sleep at about 4am, getting up 2 hours later was brutal. On waking, I felt like I'd only just gotten warm and that I'd only been asleep for about 10 minutes. One of those nights. ~Ahhhhhhhhh! *Sigh*~
Once I'd pulled myself free from the, only just, pleasant confines of my sleeping bag, I was straight onto anchor watch duty...which I surprised myself by really enjoying. Anchor watch happens when the boat is anchored rather than docked and one or two of the crew have to keep an eye on and take note of the wind speeds, water depth and the degree of the offset; the angle of which the vessel is sitting at. This was a fairly simple task as we only had to check the monitors every 5 minutes-within an hour-and take note, making sure that nothing was going into critical levels and staying there.
During this, we were given the task of creating a story. Everyone who was on watch had the opportunity to contribute by adding a few lines or pages in, which was certainly the case for me, whenever they were on. As you can imagine, the end result was interesting. It started off as a pretty average funny story related to sailing and the like, slightly confusing but nothing too weird and then I decided to dump my imagination on it....putting it onto a slightly weird but fun twist. I feel like I'm kinda tooting my own horn here but I was quite proud of my contribution. I thought we all did a really good job, if I can find it (and ask everyone's permission) I think I'll post it here.
After sharing our work with the rest of the crew over breakfast, which me and my partner made, we got stuck straight into setting sail to Greenock, where the voyage would conclude. The rest of the journey was pretty much the same as the previous days; I spent time practicing and mastering the knots~which I can't actually remember but that's probably for the best~working the winches and steering the boat. I also spent time getting to know people too but due to my having an anxious pea brain, I can't really remember this either.
All in all, I would highly recommend going on a voyage or volunteering with Ocean Youth Scotland...no matter where you're at, it's a really fun and educationally enriching experience.
I found that it helped me greatly in terms of my mental health and my general outlook on life. I also love the sea; I like looking to see if I can see any mermaids beneath the turquoise tides.
******
I'm so thankful that I've finally gotten it done after so much worry about it not being good enough...now all I need to do it edit out the not so family friendly stuff and get it sent off to the right peeps...shouldn't be too hard~wish me luck anyways though? Cause there's always the chance that I could fuck it up.
I hope y'all are having a fabulous night, morning, day and evening! :)
Saturday, 3 November 2018
Depression; a poem
At first, it crawls up your spine,
like a bone-chilling breeze.
Then, it crashes over your head,
a tidal wave made of bricks,
it snaps your neck.
Leaves you broken and bleeding.
But not dead.
Not yet.
***
There are people all around,
it's just a normal day.
They can't see the devastation,
they can't see the wreck.
You don't look any different,
your just the same.
It seems.
I wrote this last year but I felt like sharing it today because why not?
I've got quite a few poems that I've written and have always wanted to share, so what better way than this.
Prepare yerselves fer some emotional poetry!
I hope y'all are well and are having a lovely night, morning, day and evening! :)
Sunday, 28 October 2018
Overthinking
I think I've been thinking about this too much.
I keep worrying about what I can and can't write about.
This may seem stupid but I'm low-key (high-key) terrified that if I write (talk?) about anything too controversial or that has a lot of stigmas surrounding it, my parents will shout at me. Or not shout, but give me the look.
You know the one I'm talking about?
The "wtf were you thinking, your so embarrassing" look.
I don't even live with my parents and I don't think they read this......
Plus, what could they even do?
Still gives me the fear for some reason though.
I'm also scared of people, people reading what they see here and using it against me.
I want to write about my experiences and views but I'm scared.
People online are scary.
It's basically a lawless world out there.
I think I'm overthinking this right now.
To combat this, I've added this video:
I keep worrying about what I can and can't write about.
This may seem stupid but I'm low-key (high-key) terrified that if I write (talk?) about anything too controversial or that has a lot of stigmas surrounding it, my parents will shout at me. Or not shout, but give me the look.
You know the one I'm talking about?
The "wtf were you thinking, your so embarrassing" look.
I don't even live with my parents and I don't think they read this......
Plus, what could they even do?
Still gives me the fear for some reason though.
I'm also scared of people, people reading what they see here and using it against me.
I want to write about my experiences and views but I'm scared.
People online are scary.
It's basically a lawless world out there.
I think I'm overthinking this right now.
To combat this, I've added this video:
I've been feeling very stressed recently, like life is throwing all the shit it can at me.
I've got a million ideas about things and about a million drafts but my head feels fucked.
I can't stop worrying about everything.
I worry that I don't post often enough, that I talk about myself too much, that nobody actually reads this. I worry that my blog isn't good enough within the vast ocean of billions on the internet.
That I'm depressing and annoying.
~I'm having another sleepless night, so if this doesn't make sense, that's why~
I hope y'all have a stress free Monday :)
Thursday, 18 October 2018
Dating etc
Someone please take me into a field and shoot me.
I'm chatting ~trying to~to someone on POF (plenty of fish) and fuck me......I'm fucking things up, one awkward message at a time.
~I dunno why am on pof either, I think it's because it seems to be where all the lesbians are at....I'm finding it really difficult to meet someone~
I don't think I'm cut out for this whole flirting or whatever online. I mean, I'm not very good at it in real life either but at least, in real life, you can actually see whoever you're talking to.
Also, it seems like everyone on the internet just wants a quick shag and that's not really what I'm into...plus, I'm not very good at the whole sexy talk thing, Even though I can't see who I'm talking to, it just feels like a super cringe-fest.
Sure, sex is nice or whatever ~apparently~but I don't just want sex. I want someone that I can talk to and have fun with, like a best friend but with different boundaries. I wish I could find someone to have a nice, healthy relationship with.
But, alas, I will most likely die single, with about a million cats.
~I started writing this on Monday before the depression hit, so that's where my change of contextual tone is coming from. I don't even know if that makes sense, 'contextual tone', but fuck it, it has a nice wee ring to it....and it sounds like it makes sense.~
Sometimes I think it might be easier, to die alone, easier than constantly-when it comes to meeting people or going out-having to come out. Being hit with shit like; "Are you sure? Have you ever even been with a guy? Maybe you just haven't found the right man? And my favorite, the one that smashes through my psyche, like a fucking million tonne bus on fire, EVERY SINGLE TIME....."you don't look gay".
I know sexuality doesn't have a certain look or whatever but there are stereotypes and prejudices outwith and within the LGBTQ+ community, that make people think there are-[certain looks]. And as long as people have these false beliefs, people will struggle.
~I think that perhaps, I'm starting to make very little sense. It's 8am and yet again, I haven't slept and my brain feels like its turning into a mushy mess of depression, sleep deprivation, and a random-ass dictionary. I'll probably update this at some point as I've still got a few things to say on this topic but for now, I'm just gonna leave it as it is.~
I hope y'all are having a fabulous morning, day, evening and night!
I'm chatting ~trying to~to someone on POF (plenty of fish) and fuck me......I'm fucking things up, one awkward message at a time.
~I dunno why am on pof either, I think it's because it seems to be where all the lesbians are at....I'm finding it really difficult to meet someone~
I don't think I'm cut out for this whole flirting or whatever online. I mean, I'm not very good at it in real life either but at least, in real life, you can actually see whoever you're talking to.
Also, it seems like everyone on the internet just wants a quick shag and that's not really what I'm into...plus, I'm not very good at the whole sexy talk thing, Even though I can't see who I'm talking to, it just feels like a super cringe-fest.
Sure, sex is nice or whatever ~apparently~but I don't just want sex. I want someone that I can talk to and have fun with, like a best friend but with different boundaries. I wish I could find someone to have a nice, healthy relationship with.
But, alas, I will most likely die single, with about a million cats.
~I started writing this on Monday before the depression hit, so that's where my change of contextual tone is coming from. I don't even know if that makes sense, 'contextual tone', but fuck it, it has a nice wee ring to it....and it sounds like it makes sense.~
Sometimes I think it might be easier, to die alone, easier than constantly-when it comes to meeting people or going out-having to come out. Being hit with shit like; "Are you sure? Have you ever even been with a guy? Maybe you just haven't found the right man? And my favorite, the one that smashes through my psyche, like a fucking million tonne bus on fire, EVERY SINGLE TIME....."you don't look gay".
I know sexuality doesn't have a certain look or whatever but there are stereotypes and prejudices outwith and within the LGBTQ+ community, that make people think there are-[certain looks]. And as long as people have these false beliefs, people will struggle.
~I think that perhaps, I'm starting to make very little sense. It's 8am and yet again, I haven't slept and my brain feels like its turning into a mushy mess of depression, sleep deprivation, and a random-ass dictionary. I'll probably update this at some point as I've still got a few things to say on this topic but for now, I'm just gonna leave it as it is.~
I hope y'all are having a fabulous morning, day, evening and night!
Saturday, 6 October 2018
Random Thoughts
Do you ever feel like doing something really impulsive? Like, just randomly, while on a bus or train, bursting into a random ass dance party? Just letting go of all your worries about what people will think and letting whatever you're listening to fill your soul?
I feel like doing that a lot. I don't think I'd actually have the confidence to ever do it but its funny to imagine. Sometimes I imagine the whole bus turning into a mad silent disco rave, everyone dancing and enjoying themselves, looking happy.
It'd be really cool if that actually happened, like as part some kind of program to improve peoples mental wellbeing.....First Dance-Happy buses.....ScotdanceRail...lol.
I wonder who I could pitch that idea to.
I feel like this is the kind of idea that would probably be shot down and I'd probably be asked questions about the intactness of my sanity or lack thereof. Maybe not though, you never know until you try I guess.
I think maybe I'll pitch it to someone in a couple of years, once weeds been legalised and everyone's chilled out a bit.
I don't think anyone's really chilled out at the moment, every day there's a story about how ultimately fucked everyone and everything is. And if you think that's bullshit and I'm just being negative, all you need to do is look at America and see that they have a reality tv person (I can't find it in myself to call him a 'star' in any context, so he's just a person~who is a massive cunt) as their President. What the actual fuck, with a fuckin moldy cherry on top? He's an idiot. He's a bigot and a truly hateful person. He's also an idiot, did I mention? The fact that he's not been impeached yet seriously concerns me and his behavior online.....frankly, I think he is a serious threat to the national security of several, maybe all countries including his own.
One example ~of many~ of his sheerly disgusting nature is that he plans to put a limit on the number of refugees allowed into the US, bringing it down from an already measly 45,000 people to the diabolical number of only 30,000 people.
Really seems like a great guy doesn't he?
So very charitable and kind, a true humanitarian soul.
No.
He's a cunt.
Not a good cunt.
The worst cunt.
Anyhoo, before I write a whole blog book about everything inherently wrong and fucked up about politics and society or freeze to death (I'm sitting in a greenhouse), I gonna go.
I hope y'all are having a lovely evening, night, day and morning! :)
I feel like doing that a lot. I don't think I'd actually have the confidence to ever do it but its funny to imagine. Sometimes I imagine the whole bus turning into a mad silent disco rave, everyone dancing and enjoying themselves, looking happy.
It'd be really cool if that actually happened, like as part some kind of program to improve peoples mental wellbeing.....First Dance-Happy buses.....ScotdanceRail...lol.
I wonder who I could pitch that idea to.
I feel like this is the kind of idea that would probably be shot down and I'd probably be asked questions about the intactness of my sanity or lack thereof. Maybe not though, you never know until you try I guess.
I think maybe I'll pitch it to someone in a couple of years, once weeds been legalised and everyone's chilled out a bit.
I don't think anyone's really chilled out at the moment, every day there's a story about how ultimately fucked everyone and everything is. And if you think that's bullshit and I'm just being negative, all you need to do is look at America and see that they have a reality tv person (I can't find it in myself to call him a 'star' in any context, so he's just a person~who is a massive cunt) as their President. What the actual fuck, with a fuckin moldy cherry on top? He's an idiot. He's a bigot and a truly hateful person. He's also an idiot, did I mention? The fact that he's not been impeached yet seriously concerns me and his behavior online.....frankly, I think he is a serious threat to the national security of several, maybe all countries including his own.
One example ~of many~ of his sheerly disgusting nature is that he plans to put a limit on the number of refugees allowed into the US, bringing it down from an already measly 45,000 people to the diabolical number of only 30,000 people.
Really seems like a great guy doesn't he?
So very charitable and kind, a true humanitarian soul.
No.
He's a cunt.
Not a good cunt.
The worst cunt.
Anyhoo, before I write a whole blog book about everything inherently wrong and fucked up about politics and society or freeze to death (I'm sitting in a greenhouse), I gonna go.
I hope y'all are having a lovely evening, night, day and morning! :)
Wednesday, 3 October 2018
Vegan Cornettos
I planned to tell y'all about the residential I went on last week but my mind is feeling a bit too jumbled to remember stuff at the moment. So instead, I am going to talk about the 'Vegan Cornetto'.
~Might be extremely boring...might not be~
I recently picked up a box from Tesco, not really thinking about it. I think it was the only cheap but nice looking thing I could see, so voilà ...it bounced into my basket.
It was also 4am and I was losing the will to live.
On opening the box, there are four Cornettos; all of which are gluten-free and soy based. The actual ice cream looks like your bog standard Cornetto; a picturesque ice cream cone with professionally placed toppings. The dark chocolate of the topping is subtle but sweet, gorgeously accented by a sprinkle of hazelnuts. The actual ice cream is beautifully creamy without the heavy feeling that dairy products tend to bring. And finally, the crown of the Cornetto, the fucking heavenly chocolate cone that graces the bottom of every single Cornetto (to my knowledge).....it was perfect. It was beautifully chocolaty, just pure, simple vegan perfection. It was so good, I had to double check it was definitely dairy free!
I would highly recomend, 1000000% ^_^
I hope y'all are having a wonderful night, morning, day and evening! ^_^
~Might be extremely boring...might not be~
I recently picked up a box from Tesco, not really thinking about it. I think it was the only cheap but nice looking thing I could see, so voilà ...it bounced into my basket.
It was also 4am and I was losing the will to live.
On opening the box, there are four Cornettos; all of which are gluten-free and soy based. The actual ice cream looks like your bog standard Cornetto; a picturesque ice cream cone with professionally placed toppings. The dark chocolate of the topping is subtle but sweet, gorgeously accented by a sprinkle of hazelnuts. The actual ice cream is beautifully creamy without the heavy feeling that dairy products tend to bring. And finally, the crown of the Cornetto, the fucking heavenly chocolate cone that graces the bottom of every single Cornetto (to my knowledge).....it was perfect. It was beautifully chocolaty, just pure, simple vegan perfection. It was so good, I had to double check it was definitely dairy free!
I would highly recomend, 1000000% ^_^
I hope y'all are having a wonderful night, morning, day and evening! ^_^
Thursday, 20 September 2018
Sadness
Do you ever just feel sad? Like, for no particular reason at all?
I do, sometimes.
You're probably thinking, isn't that depression?
Nope.
I feel like with depression it's deeper and darker.....with sadness, it's more of a simple pain. Like a single snowflake hitting your shoulder in a thunderstorm. Rain thrashing all around you and yet only a single snowflake. The simple complexity of sadness. I type (say) "simple complexity" because sadness, much like the snowflake, is complex in its own right....but so simple compared to depression. Sadness is like an old friend, depression is the monster that used to live under your bed or in your wardrobe.
Did you know that snowflakes, despite their simple appearance, feature the whole electromagnetic spectrum of light? Isn't that amazing? That something so small and so delicate and so seemingly insignificant is filled with a whole other world of beauty and light. Sadness is like that because without sadness you wouldn't be able to appreciate the happy, joyous moments of your life and I think that that shows that snowflakes and sadness are one and the same.
~My friend is currently telling me all about how Pharmacies and Pharmacology degrees work and I'm not really sure why... I think I asked her something about a story she was telling me but I'm not really sure at this point. I now know a bit more about pharmacies than I previously did~
I hope everyone's having a wonderful night, morning, day and evening :)
I do, sometimes.
You're probably thinking, isn't that depression?
Nope.
I feel like with depression it's deeper and darker.....with sadness, it's more of a simple pain. Like a single snowflake hitting your shoulder in a thunderstorm. Rain thrashing all around you and yet only a single snowflake. The simple complexity of sadness. I type (say) "simple complexity" because sadness, much like the snowflake, is complex in its own right....but so simple compared to depression. Sadness is like an old friend, depression is the monster that used to live under your bed or in your wardrobe.
Did you know that snowflakes, despite their simple appearance, feature the whole electromagnetic spectrum of light? Isn't that amazing? That something so small and so delicate and so seemingly insignificant is filled with a whole other world of beauty and light. Sadness is like that because without sadness you wouldn't be able to appreciate the happy, joyous moments of your life and I think that that shows that snowflakes and sadness are one and the same.
~My friend is currently telling me all about how Pharmacies and Pharmacology degrees work and I'm not really sure why... I think I asked her something about a story she was telling me but I'm not really sure at this point. I now know a bit more about pharmacies than I previously did~
I hope everyone's having a wonderful night, morning, day and evening :)
Thursday, 13 September 2018
Alcohol
I got really drunk last night and accidentally posted the link for this on my Instagram and I'm kinda feeling a wee bit of pressure to post stuff now...
~I'm not going to delete it though as I did plan to share this at some point or another....silver linings I guess~
And a wee bit of fear, mainly because I've got people from High School on there and I dunno, that shit still really scares me.
You're probably wondering why I'm still typing (talking?) to you at this point, knowing what I know and it's because I need to break away from all that. I need to stop being afraid.
I'm still terrified..... ~nervous chuckles be happening right about now~
Even though I left 2 years ago ~I feel like I'm talking about prison lol~ and there's no way I could ever end up back there, hopefully, I have this innate fear in me that people from then are still going to say shit to me. That people are going to bully me.
I feel like a bit of a wet leaf......
Ahhhhhhhhhh anxiety stuffs.......
Anyways, I hope y'all are having a fabulous morning, day, evening and night! :)
Tuesday, 4 September 2018
Early Morning Ramblings
I can't sleep.
I feel really depressed.
Nothing new there.
I've been trying to correct my sleep cycle for a couple of days now, I know "a couple" of days isn't really much at this point but I thought, at least, with the early mornings I'd get early nights. But *NOOOOO! (*emphasis on that), I don't think I'm gon be sleeping for another few hours yet. I bet some of y'all be thinking that being online doesn't help and it doesn't. It really doesn't. But neither does lying in darkness, being flooded with thoughts and worries about everything, waiting for sleep to creep up. So...I kinda feel like being online is the slightly better option for me at the moment.
I bought a load of Wasabi Seaweed Thins today. You are probably all wondering (if anyone reads this lol) why I mention this... And the reason is...no reason. I just enjoy them. Plus, writing-even though it's just random shite-is saving me from boredom right now. Or depression. I think depression makes everything really boring, like all the colors have been sucked out of the world. It's like walking around with your head stuck in a thick foggy cloud. It really fucking sucks. Obviously, there are things you can do to make it a bit easier but sometimes or often, you just can't shake it off. It stays anchored in your chest and throat (or wherever you feel it) refusing to budge for the next few hours, weeks, months etc. Those times you just have to kinda ride out the wave, try not to let it overpower you. "Just keep swimming", as Dorey from Finding Nemo famously said.
I think I'm going to try and get some sleep now, this took a fair wee while write despite how short it is. I hope y'all are having a lovely day, evening, morning and night! :)
I feel really depressed.
Nothing new there.
I've been trying to correct my sleep cycle for a couple of days now, I know "a couple" of days isn't really much at this point but I thought, at least, with the early mornings I'd get early nights. But *NOOOOO! (*emphasis on that), I don't think I'm gon be sleeping for another few hours yet. I bet some of y'all be thinking that being online doesn't help and it doesn't. It really doesn't. But neither does lying in darkness, being flooded with thoughts and worries about everything, waiting for sleep to creep up. So...I kinda feel like being online is the slightly better option for me at the moment.
I bought a load of Wasabi Seaweed Thins today. You are probably all wondering (if anyone reads this lol) why I mention this... And the reason is...no reason. I just enjoy them. Plus, writing-even though it's just random shite-is saving me from boredom right now. Or depression. I think depression makes everything really boring, like all the colors have been sucked out of the world. It's like walking around with your head stuck in a thick foggy cloud. It really fucking sucks. Obviously, there are things you can do to make it a bit easier but sometimes or often, you just can't shake it off. It stays anchored in your chest and throat (or wherever you feel it) refusing to budge for the next few hours, weeks, months etc. Those times you just have to kinda ride out the wave, try not to let it overpower you. "Just keep swimming", as Dorey from Finding Nemo famously said.
I think I'm going to try and get some sleep now, this took a fair wee while write despite how short it is. I hope y'all are having a lovely day, evening, morning and night! :)
Sunday, 2 September 2018
Expectations
I think I've been overthinking this way too much...by like, 5 months...
With my first post coming out as well as it did(in my opinion), I'm really proud of myself (a wee bit sappy I know), but I think it's made me set unrealistic goals for myself. I expect myself to be able to just spin out a fantastic blog post but it's not gonna work that way, well at least not for me. I think I'm going to be posting a mix of long, short and all in between from now on.
With my first post coming out as well as it did(in my opinion), I'm really proud of myself (a wee bit sappy I know), but I think it's made me set unrealistic goals for myself. I expect myself to be able to just spin out a fantastic blog post but it's not gonna work that way, well at least not for me. I think I'm going to be posting a mix of long, short and all in between from now on.
Monday, 30 April 2018
Entry 1, 2018
My friend just put a jumper on her cat........a terrible opening line for a blog entry.
If I'm being completely honest, I don't really know how to start this. All I know, in terms of this, is that I have a shit ton of ideas, thoughts and other crap in my head that I just need to dump out somewhere. So, behold.....Introvert On The internet has been birthed onto the infamous World Wide Web! I say (type?) "infamous" because, in all honesty, I find the internet to be a wee bitty bit scary. Sure, it has many great assets~such as creating connections across continents ~but I feel like there is so much bullshit. Like, an insane, crazy amount of straight-up shite. Fake news, fake tits, fake people...fake everything. It's like the world is trying to hide, hide behind a massive mask.
It seems as though everyone is obsessed with, infatuated with this need for likes. Which is totally natural but really quite sad in the aforementioned context. I'm not hating here, don't get me wrong, I like getting likes as much as the next person....I just think it's all a bit fucked up.
~My friend's cat (who's called Milo ^-^) just ran out of her flat, which makes for a wee bit of~ ~excitement~Random cat updates are a thing in this entry which is A-Okay by me ^_^ ~
And people, just random-ass people, who have 100,000,000 (this is a gross over-exaggeration) friends on Facebook. Wtf?! I'm sorry but nobody has that many friends. Or should I say (type?), nobody has that many real friends.
I hope you enjoyed reading this entry and I hope you're having a wonderful day or night, happy surfing peeps ^_^
Some coping strategies (for life) that I find helpful:
~Watching Vines
~Memes (cause there just fucking great)
~Putting on headphones/earphones, blasting your ultimate dance tune(s), closing your eyes or sitting in a dark room (glow sticks are an option here) and pretending you're at a rave. Go wild with your dancing skills, let the music fill your soul.
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