I'm Sorry

I wish I could go and visit you.

I'm sorry for all the times that I didn't.

I was scared because you were ill,

I was scared.

So scared that you were going to die that I couldn't even see you.

Pathetic.

If I could go back in time,

I'd come see you every day.

I'd make sure that you knew I loved you,

that we got to spend time together.

Instead of sitting,

getting stoned,

trying to pretend it wasn't happening.

Trying to kill my own pain,

rather than putting my time to good use,

by spending time with you,

cherishing the time of a clock that was about to stop. 

I'm sorry Granny,

I'm sorry for not visiting you,

until the almost end.

Without you,

I feel like there's no point in anything,

no point in getting up

unless I'm making you proud.

On the days that I'm not at college,

working towards my goal,

I feel nothing but 

sadness, 

guilt, 

shame,

that I'm not doing enough,

to be the best I can be.

I want to be the best for me,

but I also want to be the best for you.

I want to make you proud,

but I also want to make me proud.

I just want to be the best I can be.

The best friend, daughter, sister.

The best I can be.

******

I wrote this the other night when I was, for lack of a better term, mwi. Obviously, there's a little bit of exaggeration but I do feel on the days that I'm not really doing anything that I'm wasting time...time that I could be using to create or work towards my career goals. I do have good days and they're happening more often but I also have bad days and weeks but I guess it's all part of the journey that is life.

I hope you enjoy reading it.

I hope y'all are having a wonderful Thursday 😊